Time is nebulous. It stands still . It flies . It never obeys our wishes . I've learned this lesson over the last 10.75 years.
March 30 marks six years ( SIX!!!!!!!) since Hayden's Fontan( most recent OHS). It's amazing and seems so long ago. And, also ,just like yesterday. It's like this bizarre time warp. And I'm totally trapped in it.
Over the last six years , I've seen my boy grow, learn and change just like any other heart healthy kid . I've also seen him gain strength and overcome obstacles far more specific to a kid with HLHS. His wisdom and resilience will never cease to amaze me . He seems so impervious to the pitfalls of time.
I, on the other hand, get so caught up in the hands of the clock. I curse at it and send it mixed signals. Hayden is strong and healthy , so I want time to stop. I want to keep him like this forever. Never let go.But then we get close to an appointment and I want time to fly . I can't stand the waiting . The not knowing and unpredictability make me physically ( and emotionally ) ill.
Three women in my life have taught me that I'm not alone on this roller coaster with time . One took time by the hands, wrestled it and demanded more, on her terms . For her family and herself ( I won't call her brave because she'd deny it, but she decided to change her own fate and tell time to eff off.) Another lined up her warriors, faith and fighting spirit, for the second time, and has created a truce with time . She has more of it. ( and we all cursed time for the last week as we waited).And a third , got caught in times dirty trick of hoping for more, getting some more and then running out. ( Time is dirty like that and sometimes decides to stop spinning it's hands .)
You see time takes on an entirely new meaning when it isn't about how long til dinner or what time shall we meet. When it's about time here with our loved ones, how much of it we have together...how long we live, it just ticks me off .
Today, time has me perplexed. That day six years ago was the worst of my life . I handed my boy over for OHS. We walked him into the OR. We watched as he went under.What was a difficult and long surgery , became longer . Over ten hours. Time stood still . I lived a lifetime in that waiting room. I remember the torrid details of his recovery , vividly . And how time stopped while we lived in a hospital , yet seasons changed in the real world . But then time suddenly sped up and we have had these six amazing years. My confusion lies in how appreciative I am of this time we have had and how greedily I want so much more of it .
As I look back at these last six years , I know how blessed we are . The laughter, jokes, songs , antics, trips , smiles, friends, family, sports, instruments ,arguments,parties , meals, eye rolling , snuggles...they are all time well spent . As we celebrate this anniversary ( and hell yes, we will celebrate it ), I am reminding myself to make the most of time. Appreciate time . Not rush time . And, hopefully, we will beat the clock.
( Six years !!!!)
