I never wanted to be a mom.( Stop gasping and pick up your gaping jaw.) I like control, order, organization and a plan. I don't like chaos, unpredictability or messes. I didn't spend my days waiting to start a family, begging to hold any baby I caught sight of or oohing and aahing over booties. But, I fell in love with a young man who had his beautiful blue eyes set on having two children. As part of the marital bargain, we agreed on one child ( plus the exchange of one cow, two goats and a three legged chicken).And I hoped and prayed that as time went on, he'd change his mind. He didn't. After six years of marriage and me pushing 30, I knew I had to hold up my end of the deal. Several ovulation kits later, on 10/30/2003 , I became pregnant. Then I puked. All day. Every day. For 22 weeks. It was a great time!
I will not recount Hayden's birth or diagnosis. You have heard that tale by now. But, in the end, I became a mom. Not just a mom, a mom to a child with a chronic health condition. A heart mom. We are everything that regular moms are, just with a little bit of spice added. We are this crazy dichotomy of characteristics. Fierce, yet terrified. Hopeful, yet hopeless. Savvy, yet helpless. Controlling, yet out of control. And the list goes on. The mom that never wanted to be a mom got tossed into the throws of momhood with a vengence.
I cannot say that I fell head over heels the second Hayden was born. To be honest, I was too sick, too scared and too unsure to feel much of anything. And, having my own baby did not make me a baby person.( I am still not.) But as time grew on, so did Hayden and I found a love that is inexplicable and deep. There is something about fighting to survive that makes a kid an old soul. And Hayden is that. There are far too many things that I love about him to list, but the one thing I love the most is that he gets that I am Ali and not just Mom. ( No, he does not address me as Ali and no I am not one of those "my kid is my friend" people). Hayden has always seemed to get that I am not just his. I am Rob's. I am my friend's. I am my parent's. I am my brother's. I am my student's. I am mine. And still his.
Do not get me wrong. I take great pride in raising and caring for Hayd and I work effing hard at it. A ton of my time is committed to him. A zillion hours of worry are from him. But, it is not my sole identity. I never wanted that. I never will. That does not mean that I do not love being his mom. I do. I love it in ways that words cannot describe. Last year, for Mother's Day, I gave him a gift. I thanked him for making me his Mom. I thanked him for all he has done to better me as a person and to shape the way I prioritize my life. As I stated earlier, I did not just land the part of mom, I landed the part of heart mom and that role not is not an easy one to play. ( nor is regular mom...before anyone gets upset with me). I know, it is ironic, the girl who didn't want to be a mom got the difficult mom part. It is like casting the tone deaf girl as the lead...absurd, right? Naw. You see the tone deaf girl might bring a new dimension to the role, just as I have brought my own twist on motherhood. It may involve cussing freely and pretty much any topic being fair game at the dinner table, while running a crazy tight ship, yelling about crumbs and being pretty demanding, but it is my twist. It is my way of doing this.
As yet another Mother's Day approaches, I still find it hard to believe that I am someone's mother. Someone really let ME have a kid? I also cannot imagine not being Hayden's mother. The intangible gifts he has given me have made me a far better person than I ever was before. That part of my he owns is full of all of the good stuff, the hard stuff and the fears that lie ahead. It is the best part of me.
I love being Hayden's mom. But, I still like control, order, organization and a plan. I don't like chaos, unpredictability or messes. And, no, I don't want to hold your baby.
