Liar,Liar Pants on Fire

I have come to realize that people lie constantly. I can't figure out why. Some are small lies and some are wild tales, but in the end they are all lies. I try to be an honest person, sometimes brutally honest, which some perceive as just plain bitchy. I am Ok with that. Bitch vs. Liar? I'll take bitch. BUT, if I were to take up the fun-filled sport of lying, here are some things I'd lie about:
1. My job. Why would I say that I am a highschool English teacher when I can be something far more exotic or erotic? Spy. Beekeeper. Ninja. Psychic. Professional bowler. All far more interesting.
2. My family. Oh, you didn't know about my father, The Count. Yes, Count Silverman. He is such a modest man...keeps it all hush, hush. And my brother? Well, we can't all invent Snugi, can we?
3. My age. Ok, I am fairly well-preserved for a woman of my generation( flapjacks aside), but I could stretch the truth about my age just a bit. I mean, having just turned 29, I am starting the feel 30 staring right back at me.
4. My eating habits. I don't eat red meat or pork and haven't for 21 years ( oh, so according to #3 I gave that up when I was 8;-) But I could profess that I would never fathom suggesting that my family institute cereal night once a week ( what? I love cereal) or that I never, ever feel the need to eat a sleeve of thin mints straight from the freezer. Or that the idea of eating cheese fries is simply repulsive to me. MMMM cheese fries.
5. My drinking habits. No, I have never been able to drink a twelve pack and then write a paper. Never, not ever, did I have to decide if it was a " 2 or 3 Boones Night". ( I know, that is gross...I did go to Frostburg) No, I don't get on the wagon every fall because the thought of a new school year makes want to binge drink like a smalltown girl set free on a college campus. I just like to have a clear mind when the school year begins.
6.My love of babies. ( yes, I understand tht my dislike of babies makes some of you find me dislikeable) OH, he/she is precious! I SO miss those baby-days. Don't ya just wih they could stay that way forever? They smell so sweet? ( Like poo? Spit up? UGH)
6. Your Cat. No, your cat doesn't bother me. I love cats, they are so friendly. Oh, I always hold my inhaler in my hand and breathe this way. Do you find it odd?
7.My affinity for train-wteck television. Who would ever watch something like that? Dr. Who?Drew? Never heard of him. Who is this Baby Lisa you are referring to? Get out of town; Steven Segall is a Lawman?
8.My adversity to showering on Sunday. My family and I are water conservationists. We each abstain from bathing one day a week. Oh, I showered this morning, I just felt like wearing my hair in a ponytail and going sans makeup. It must be something in the trash? No, I don't smell anything. ( I really wouldn't allow myself to stink)
9.My parenting. My child always does what I ask, never any arguments. No, I have never told him to get of the room because I didn't want to hear him. I would never sit back and allow my husband to feed my child breakfast with a side of chocolate covered pretzels...that is terrible.
10.My lies.