That goes out the window today. Today is our big day. It is Hayden's Heartaversary! Today marks 8 years since Hayden's Fontan ( third open heart surgery in a series of three surgical corrections that let him , ya know, live.) March 30, 2009 is a day of both celebration and reverence. I celebrate that fact that Hayden is here for me to chat with, laugh at/with, make fun of, discuss literature with, listen to play music,nag, show me his chest hair ( literally a hair), fuss at to get moving, assign tasks to, snuggle, listen to him prep for his Bar Mitvzah, travel with, annoy , watch sports with, get giant eye rolls, listen to his tude and get pats on the back and the tightest hugs from. Each day , when he walks in the door, I feel a sense of relief. It is another day he has conquered. Another day he has returned to me. Another day he is here. I have no choice but to celebrate the crap out of that. I do feel gratitude.
The reverence for this day is harder to explain. " Revere the Fontan" ( imagine my voice really deep when you read that) , sounds odd. But it is how I feel about this day. It commands my respect and deserves to be honored. It is a period of time that is etched into every fiber of my being. It was horrific, draining, terrifying and joyful. I watched Hayden fight for his life and teeter between life and death , repeatedly. While I live with that idea, daily,in 2009 it looked to be reality. Yet, somehow, defying odds and the predictions of our incredible medical team, Hayden came through and has thrived, thus far. The path to get there was what has created the reverence I feel, coupled with the trauma that recreates so many moments from that time period, again and again. You'd think that eight years would muddy the details or lessen how vivid the images are. It does not. They come to me at random times. In my waking hours and in my dreams. They can be haunting. The most haunting is a memory that I cannot shake. Hayden was in respiratory distress . I was holding his hand and trying to lessen his fears. We'd been chatting . Communicating well. Then he said something and I couldn't understand him. He said the same thing again and again and again, for hours and hours on end. I never figured it out. But I have not stopped trying. It continues to drives me crazy. At the time I felt like I was letting him down. Today, I just feel guilty that I didn't figure it out. Maybe I could have helped him. I dreamt of this, just last week. I shared it with the boys . Hayden just thought I was crazy and I'm pretty sure Rob wanted to puke. It's moments like those that I'll carry with me forever . It's moments like those that cause me to revere that period of our lives. It is moments like those that do not let me forget or let my guard down.
Today , eight years later , I'm just in awe. Hayden is a pretty typical almost 13 year old. Aside from the fact that he's got this odd wisdom about him and a love for life that's unfaltering( and takes daily meds, and gets his blood taken at our kitchen table). Don't get me wrong , he can be an ass. And drive me nuts. But he also drives me to be a better version of me . One that is a bit more like him.
On this day, I always leave you with a message . This evening , hug your kids for 8 seconds , kiss them 8 times , tell them 8 great things about themselves, give them 8 desserts( then blame me!). And sometime soon, let them do something you otherwise wouldn't . Life is far too fragile and short. Celebrate it! ( Eight fucking years!!!!! )
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