Heart Momming Waves

The wave metaphor seems appropriate for this post. After all , I am at the beach. More importantly, heart momming comes in waves. There are waves of relative peace and calm( but not totally), waves of unease, waves of anxiety and waves of sheer panic.
The last 36 hours have me riding my boogie board on the waves of anxiety.
On Thursday, Hayden got his head when he fell off a tube on a water slide. He also hit has back. Because he takes bloodthinners, beach Ali switched to heart Mom mode. Fortunately, aside from a headache for a few hours and some pretty , purple welts on his back, he is totally fine.
Just as I popped up from that wave , and took a deep breath, I got walloped over the head with another wave. This one stronger, more intense. The kind that knocks you down and , tosses you around and puts sand in your crotch.( too much??)
Through a friend whose son had a “boring” cardiology check up( thank goodness for boring! ), I found out that Hayden’s cardiac surgeon is leaving Hopkins. He has been there for 15 years and assisted on two of Hayden’s surgeries and performed several others. He agreed to disagree with me on a major care decision and later embraced me telling me how much I taught him . “You knew. You knew what he needed. I learned to listen to the moms, thank you for that.” His words were sincere and came from his heart .( moments later, he helped us pull Hayden out from a moonbounce that someone’s unplugged while he was still in it) This man is not only an insanely skilled surgeon, but he’s a keeper of knowledge. He knows the bizarre physiology of Hayden’s bizarre heart. He knows the trials and tribulations Hayden’s body has faced. And, he’s leaving.
This wave is a rough one. All last night, I tossed and turned  in my own ocean of anxiety. If and when H needs another surgery, I had always imaged it being performed by Luca. I trust him. I will now have to build a relationship and trust with someone new. And it sucks...sand in your crotch kind of sucks.
We lost our pediatrician of 12 years about a year and a half ago. I cried. She, too, knew every detail. I interviewed and embraced a new pediatrician. He has been excellent and allows me to lead and to fill in blanks , but it’s not totally smooth sailing because he hasn’t ridden all of the waves with us.
This fresh wave of anxiety is impacting many other families in my heart community. We are all feeling pretty tossled by this latest wave of anxiety.
My hopes are high and fingers are crossed( although they are also gripping my boogie board with a death grip) that Hopkins will land a total rockstar to fill these shoes.
Until then, I’m hoping to go walk the beach and perhaps catch a wave of calmness.
*apologies for typos...this was penned on my phone and not the way I usually blog