I have come to realize that people lie constantly. I can't figure out why. Some are small lies and some are wild tales, but in the end they are all lies. I try to be an honest person, sometimes brutally honest, which some perceive as just plain bitchy. I am Ok with that. Bitch vs. Liar? I'll take bitch. BUT, if I were to take up the fun-filled sport of lying, here are some things I'd lie about:
1. My job. Why would I say that I am a highschool English teacher when I can be something far more exotic or erotic? Spy. Beekeeper. Ninja. Psychic. Professional bowler. All far more interesting.
2. My family. Oh, you didn't know about my father, The Count. Yes, Count Silverman. He is such a modest man...keeps it all hush, hush. And my brother? Well, we can't all invent Snugi, can we?
3. My age. Ok, I am fairly well-preserved for a woman of my generation( flapjacks aside), but I could stretch the truth about my age just a bit. I mean, having just turned 29, I am starting the feel 30 staring right back at me.
4. My eating habits. I don't eat red meat or pork and haven't for 21 years ( oh, so according to #3 I gave that up when I was 8;-) But I could profess that I would never fathom suggesting that my family institute cereal night once a week ( what? I love cereal) or that I never, ever feel the need to eat a sleeve of thin mints straight from the freezer. Or that the idea of eating cheese fries is simply repulsive to me. MMMM cheese fries.
5. My drinking habits. No, I have never been able to drink a twelve pack and then write a paper. Never, not ever, did I have to decide if it was a " 2 or 3 Boones Night". ( I know, that is gross...I did go to Frostburg) No, I don't get on the wagon every fall because the thought of a new school year makes want to binge drink like a smalltown girl set free on a college campus. I just like to have a clear mind when the school year begins.
6.My love of babies. ( yes, I understand tht my dislike of babies makes some of you find me dislikeable) OH, he/she is precious! I SO miss those baby-days. Don't ya just wih they could stay that way forever? They smell so sweet? ( Like poo? Spit up? UGH)
6. Your Cat. No, your cat doesn't bother me. I love cats, they are so friendly. Oh, I always hold my inhaler in my hand and breathe this way. Do you find it odd?
7.My affinity for train-wteck television. Who would ever watch something like that? Dr. Who?Drew? Never heard of him. Who is this Baby Lisa you are referring to? Get out of town; Steven Segall is a Lawman?
8.My adversity to showering on Sunday. My family and I are water conservationists. We each abstain from bathing one day a week. Oh, I showered this morning, I just felt like wearing my hair in a ponytail and going sans makeup. It must be something in the trash? No, I don't smell anything. ( I really wouldn't allow myself to stink)
9.My parenting. My child always does what I ask, never any arguments. No, I have never told him to get of the room because I didn't want to hear him. I would never sit back and allow my husband to feed my child breakfast with a side of chocolate covered pretzels...that is terrible.
10.My lies.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Hello , Old Friend
I have no excuses. I haven't traveled the world, saved lives, remodeled a home, rebuilt an engine. I have just been a slacker. I haven't blogged in so long. Let's see if I still know how to type?
Here goes...All is well here in Lazorchakland. I am busy educating the youth of America; changing lives and all that jazz. Rob is now working outside of our home and he is thrilled. He loves leaving the house each day and we are happy, too( oops, I mean, we miss him). Hayden LOVES school and is learning to read. He is still obsessed with sports of any kind. He and Rob are enjoying ski season and I am enjoying snow days.
That is all I have as far as updates go. If you have missed my witty humor...read the next post.
Here goes...All is well here in Lazorchakland. I am busy educating the youth of America; changing lives and all that jazz. Rob is now working outside of our home and he is thrilled. He loves leaving the house each day and we are happy, too( oops, I mean, we miss him). Hayden LOVES school and is learning to read. He is still obsessed with sports of any kind. He and Rob are enjoying ski season and I am enjoying snow days.
That is all I have as far as updates go. If you have missed my witty humor...read the next post.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Kicked to the Curb
More and more lately, I am being kicked to the curb. Hayden wants to be with Rob. He looks forward to " Fellas' Night". He wants to have Rob do the countdown to get out of the tub race. Rob should read to him at night.
Just last night, they were playing football while watching football and the ball was passed to me. Hayden quickly turned and said, " Mom, we are trying to play a game here." ( Well, excuuuuuuse me.) I am just in the way.
They do just fine without me. I spent the weekend at the beach with the Canal Run girls and didn't hear a peep from them unless I called to check in.
It got me thinking about new and exciting ways to get some " me time". ( Leaving the country?) The more I thought about a whirlwind excursion, the more I also thought about my house and all of he things that would go "wrong" ( yes, wrong is in the eye of the beholder) if I were not there.
I have complied a short list:
1. No food would be purchased from the grocery store.
2. Strange noodle/ hot sauce/ranch dressing pastas would be cooked and consumed.
3. Meds would go undrawn.
4. Beds would never be made.
5. Laundry piles would rival Mt. Everest.
6. The washer would have laundry left in it causing mold to grow and a foul stench to overtake the basement.
7. Cheese would be an acceptable vegetable ( YES, I am calling you out. Plus, what kid likes reduced fat cheddar sticks???).
8. The shower curtain would remain open ( UGH).
9. Bills would go unpaid resulting in no electricity, gas, cable and evetually foreclosure and and a vist from the repo man.
10. All doctor/dental appts. would be missed. If not missed, arrival at such appts. would be so late that the appt. time would have passed and no one will be seen. ( Can we say gingivitis?)
11. Pots would remain on the dish rack, out in the open for all to see.
12. People would eat, food, in the family room ( a HUGE no no).
13. Balls would be thrown in the house.
14. Navy and black would be paired together.
15. Rock Band and Punch Out would take the place of reading and counting.
Basically, they'd turn my home into a Frat house. They'd probably even wear togas ( mostly because the laundry would go undone and sheets would be the only clean item in the house).
Guess I can't plan my getaway any time soon. And they will just have to get used to me being in the way .
Just last night, they were playing football while watching football and the ball was passed to me. Hayden quickly turned and said, " Mom, we are trying to play a game here." ( Well, excuuuuuuse me.) I am just in the way.
They do just fine without me. I spent the weekend at the beach with the Canal Run girls and didn't hear a peep from them unless I called to check in.
It got me thinking about new and exciting ways to get some " me time". ( Leaving the country?) The more I thought about a whirlwind excursion, the more I also thought about my house and all of he things that would go "wrong" ( yes, wrong is in the eye of the beholder) if I were not there.
I have complied a short list:
1. No food would be purchased from the grocery store.
2. Strange noodle/ hot sauce/ranch dressing pastas would be cooked and consumed.
3. Meds would go undrawn.
4. Beds would never be made.
5. Laundry piles would rival Mt. Everest.
6. The washer would have laundry left in it causing mold to grow and a foul stench to overtake the basement.
7. Cheese would be an acceptable vegetable ( YES, I am calling you out. Plus, what kid likes reduced fat cheddar sticks???).
8. The shower curtain would remain open ( UGH).
9. Bills would go unpaid resulting in no electricity, gas, cable and evetually foreclosure and and a vist from the repo man.
10. All doctor/dental appts. would be missed. If not missed, arrival at such appts. would be so late that the appt. time would have passed and no one will be seen. ( Can we say gingivitis?)
11. Pots would remain on the dish rack, out in the open for all to see.
12. People would eat, food, in the family room ( a HUGE no no).
13. Balls would be thrown in the house.
14. Navy and black would be paired together.
15. Rock Band and Punch Out would take the place of reading and counting.
Basically, they'd turn my home into a Frat house. They'd probably even wear togas ( mostly because the laundry would go undone and sheets would be the only clean item in the house).
Guess I can't plan my getaway any time soon. And they will just have to get used to me being in the way .
Friday, August 28, 2009
Back to the grind
It has been quite a while since I have blogged. Funny thing happened; Summer. I was optimistic that I'd blog more often, but I didn't .I got caught up in being gainfully unemployed. I lounged at the pool, went on dates with Hayden, went to the Lake, hung out with friends, drank a bit, went on vacation and generally lead a life of leisure while still getting paid ( I pay myself for the summer- don't start judging the teachers). It was fabulous. I didn't want to go back to school. I wanted to keep doing laundry in the morning and grocery shopping in the middle of the week, etc.
On a date with Hayden, a few weeks ago, I mentioned that I didn't want to go back and that I'd miss him. He turned to me and said, " Mom, I want to go back to school. ( now patting my shoulder) It'll be OK, we will still see each other at night." So, I was consoled by my 5 year old and realized that I was being hypocritical. Whenever Hayden gets sad because something fun is ending, I am forever reminding him that all good things come to a end. If they didn't, we wouldn't realize that they were good things. I could hear my own voice in my head reminding me that my " good thing" was ending. It was sad, but it was over.
So, we are all back to the grind. I am back at school " teaching the kids to read and write", Hayden is back at school, Rob and Hayden started guitar lessons and we are all doing well.
I do have to say that I miss Hayden. Hayden, however, does not miss me. ( I can't imagine wy. I am un, right?)He told me so just last night. He is having far too much fun in school to even think about me. That is a good thing...I guess.
Rob cheered me up by going car shopping the day before school started. I am lovin' my new ride. AND, after my latop died, Rob went out and bought me a Netbook. Also, lovin' it:-) He is a good man. I am thinking abot keeping him around.
Rob is doing the Annapolis ten miler on Sunday-GO Bertie!!! ( He LOVES when I include him in the blog, just ask him;-)!!!
I'll keep cranking out posts...I have much to say:-)
On a date with Hayden, a few weeks ago, I mentioned that I didn't want to go back and that I'd miss him. He turned to me and said, " Mom, I want to go back to school. ( now patting my shoulder) It'll be OK, we will still see each other at night." So, I was consoled by my 5 year old and realized that I was being hypocritical. Whenever Hayden gets sad because something fun is ending, I am forever reminding him that all good things come to a end. If they didn't, we wouldn't realize that they were good things. I could hear my own voice in my head reminding me that my " good thing" was ending. It was sad, but it was over.
So, we are all back to the grind. I am back at school " teaching the kids to read and write", Hayden is back at school, Rob and Hayden started guitar lessons and we are all doing well.
I do have to say that I miss Hayden. Hayden, however, does not miss me. ( I can't imagine wy. I am un, right?)He told me so just last night. He is having far too much fun in school to even think about me. That is a good thing...I guess.
Rob cheered me up by going car shopping the day before school started. I am lovin' my new ride. AND, after my latop died, Rob went out and bought me a Netbook. Also, lovin' it:-) He is a good man. I am thinking abot keeping him around.
Rob is doing the Annapolis ten miler on Sunday-GO Bertie!!! ( He LOVES when I include him in the blog, just ask him;-)!!!
I'll keep cranking out posts...I have much to say:-)
Friday, July 17, 2009
The Rules are Working Against Me
Rules are good. I like them. They help things go my way, most of the time. No shoes or food in the family room. I have no crumbs or stains. Vacum after a snack. Again, no crumbs. ( What? I like things neat.) Use your manners. I have a pretty polite kid- ask his PICU nurses, he said no thank you or thank you pretty often. Wipe pee off the seat if you drip ( This rule was created for Rob;-). I have a clean toilet every time. Clean up after you use/play with something. Works great, no mess in this house. Ask to be excused from the table. No one gets up and wanders like a nomad during dinner. We eat together, listen to music and have stimulating dinner conversations about "toots" being Butt Gas. Don't get out of bed at night. Hayden stays in his bed and will not get out unless he yells for one of us. Most of the time this is great. No wandering. No mid- slumber visitors. No falling down the steps. BUT, last night it backfired. In your face rules. ( insert sinister laugh here).
Hayden woke up at 4:15 am ( AM!!!!!!) and needed to use the bathroom. No problem. Go to the bathrom and go back to bed. The back to bed part didn't happen. The boy had a case of wicked insomnia. I laid with him. Still awake. We went to my room. Still awake. He snuggled with Rob. Still awake. At 6:30, we all gave up and announced that we were awake. As if we needed to proclaim it was morning.
I have now been up for almost 7.5 hours and it isn't even lunch time. In fact, I am typing this with my eyes closed. They are ready for a nap. My brain left the building hours ago. I think I just consented to buying Hayden a case of beer. He has never even tasted soda. Beer would be wrong. I think. It might make him sleep;-)Ahhh, sleep. ZZZZZZ's. Slumber. Nighty Nights. Nappy. Resting my eyes. Dozing o..
Hayden woke up at 4:15 am ( AM!!!!!!) and needed to use the bathroom. No problem. Go to the bathrom and go back to bed. The back to bed part didn't happen. The boy had a case of wicked insomnia. I laid with him. Still awake. We went to my room. Still awake. He snuggled with Rob. Still awake. At 6:30, we all gave up and announced that we were awake. As if we needed to proclaim it was morning.
I have now been up for almost 7.5 hours and it isn't even lunch time. In fact, I am typing this with my eyes closed. They are ready for a nap. My brain left the building hours ago. I think I just consented to buying Hayden a case of beer. He has never even tasted soda. Beer would be wrong. I think. It might make him sleep;-)Ahhh, sleep. ZZZZZZ's. Slumber. Nighty Nights. Nappy. Resting my eyes. Dozing o..
Friday, July 10, 2009
Sights and Sounds of the Pool
The pool is a fascinating place. I see and hear all sorts of things. It is like a sociological experiment. The sights are far more fabulous ( or disturbing, depending on your opinion) than the sounds. Some of the favorite regulars never fail to entertain..
There is Old Bannana- Hammock Swimmer Guy. He comes to the pool for a good work out. A traditional lap swimmer, if you will. But, he wears a Bannana Hammock and a Polo shirt. And looks like he is just wearing a shirt. Did I mention that he also wears running shoes with this ensemble? Thus, he looks like a dirty old flasher as opposed to an excercise enthusiast.
We also have Hairy-Bear Woman. She apparently doesn't know that there are grooming options out there for the overly hairy woman. Waxing? Nair? A razor? All good solid options to remove what she has going on. I'll just say that it starts inside her bathing suit and creeps ALL the way down the back of her legs,causing her to resemble a bear. ( Yes, the hair is brown and well... coming from her nether region.)
Next in our line up, Loud Ill-Mannered Boy. He spends his day referring to his hearing impaired mom as Four Eyes. She doesn't even wear glasses. Ok, she does. But, who talks like that to their mom?
Funky Narcotic Chick has not appeared this summer ( hope she is not dead), but left such an impression last summer that I must include her. You may have guessed, this pill-popping gal pops pills at the pool. She simply shakes them into her mouth, oh 20 or 30 at a time, straight out of the mystery bottle,and takes a sip of water, swishes and swallows. Then the show begins. She can't sit still for more than five seconds and pops up and down on her chair, rolls over, rolls back, plays with hair, twitches, picks her suit out from between her cheeks. Endless entertainment. Come back Funky Narcotic Chick.
There is also a group that I will refer to as the Young, Hormonal, Ready to Mate Crew or YHRMC. The YHRMC just can't help themselves. It isn't their fault. The inate desire to mate is natural, right? They are constantly flirting, flaunting and giggling. The flirting and gigglimg are tolerable. The flaunting is ridiculous. Here are a few tips YHRMC; no one wants to see the rug burn on your hip bones from last night's escapades, your bikini top should cover your breasts and why by the cow if you are giving away the milk for free?
There is also a woman known as Moonpie. I don't want to be too graphic, but she is older, a bit flabby and wears ill-fitting suits. Her top happens to be a bit see through. Underneath is the problem. She has giant " mooonpies" ( no, this is not the correct name for this body part)that stare at you. They ae huge. Unlike anthing I have seen before. And dark. Not a good sight. Ms. Moonpie, you need a new suit .
Then there is Little Boy Who Shakes is Booty. ( aka Hayden) This child listens to the music on his lovely mother's ( that's me) phone and dances. He prefers the Bee Gee's and enjoys jirating and strutting his stuff. He performs my the lounge chairs, both singing and dancing. He must be doing something right, he did pick up a girl yesterday. But is not ready to become a member of the YHRMC:-)
Happy Summer!
There is Old Bannana- Hammock Swimmer Guy. He comes to the pool for a good work out. A traditional lap swimmer, if you will. But, he wears a Bannana Hammock and a Polo shirt. And looks like he is just wearing a shirt. Did I mention that he also wears running shoes with this ensemble? Thus, he looks like a dirty old flasher as opposed to an excercise enthusiast.
We also have Hairy-Bear Woman. She apparently doesn't know that there are grooming options out there for the overly hairy woman. Waxing? Nair? A razor? All good solid options to remove what she has going on. I'll just say that it starts inside her bathing suit and creeps ALL the way down the back of her legs,causing her to resemble a bear. ( Yes, the hair is brown and well... coming from her nether region.)
Next in our line up, Loud Ill-Mannered Boy. He spends his day referring to his hearing impaired mom as Four Eyes. She doesn't even wear glasses. Ok, she does. But, who talks like that to their mom?
Funky Narcotic Chick has not appeared this summer ( hope she is not dead), but left such an impression last summer that I must include her. You may have guessed, this pill-popping gal pops pills at the pool. She simply shakes them into her mouth, oh 20 or 30 at a time, straight out of the mystery bottle,and takes a sip of water, swishes and swallows. Then the show begins. She can't sit still for more than five seconds and pops up and down on her chair, rolls over, rolls back, plays with hair, twitches, picks her suit out from between her cheeks. Endless entertainment. Come back Funky Narcotic Chick.
There is also a group that I will refer to as the Young, Hormonal, Ready to Mate Crew or YHRMC. The YHRMC just can't help themselves. It isn't their fault. The inate desire to mate is natural, right? They are constantly flirting, flaunting and giggling. The flirting and gigglimg are tolerable. The flaunting is ridiculous. Here are a few tips YHRMC; no one wants to see the rug burn on your hip bones from last night's escapades, your bikini top should cover your breasts and why by the cow if you are giving away the milk for free?
There is also a woman known as Moonpie. I don't want to be too graphic, but she is older, a bit flabby and wears ill-fitting suits. Her top happens to be a bit see through. Underneath is the problem. She has giant " mooonpies" ( no, this is not the correct name for this body part)that stare at you. They ae huge. Unlike anthing I have seen before. And dark. Not a good sight. Ms. Moonpie, you need a new suit .
Then there is Little Boy Who Shakes is Booty. ( aka Hayden) This child listens to the music on his lovely mother's ( that's me) phone and dances. He prefers the Bee Gee's and enjoys jirating and strutting his stuff. He performs my the lounge chairs, both singing and dancing. He must be doing something right, he did pick up a girl yesterday. But is not ready to become a member of the YHRMC:-)
Happy Summer!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
So, Who am I?
My identity was stolen. It is not a good thing. I was going to post some advice to all of you, but Rob thinks I should keep my nose out of everyone's business. I don't usually listen to him, but will...for now.
With my identity stolen, I can't help but wonder who I am. Do I get to pick? If I do, then I have a few requests.
Uniqua from the Backyardigan's. She is awesome. And pink. She always gets a snack when she wants one. She is a world traveler. Girlfriend can dance. Plus, the Boinga Song rocks. My lisence could say Uniqua Rae Lazorchak.
Dr. Drew. I could be him. He gets to analze people and tell them what he really thinks of them. ( I sort of do that now). He gets to hang out with has-been rock stars. You can't top that. I have plenty of advice to give out. Wanna know about protecting yourself from idetity theft? Never mind.
Wonder Woman. I have always liked her. That huge gold belt is quite the fashion accessory. And the thigh high gold boots, they are sexy. I had a Wonder Woman sleeping bag and often dreamt of taking on the bad dudes. I could totally do that.
One of those flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. They are just plain scary. I could wear a cute little pillbox hat and swoop down and startle people. I would save money; flying as to be cheaper than filling up my SUV. I wouldd get you my pretty ( and your litle dog, too!)
Paula Dean. Now, I don't want her cholesterol or blood pressure, but I'd love to cook like that woman ( sans the butter) and talk with that fine southern draw. Sister gets right in there with her hands and mixes things up. She says what she wants. She drinks cocktails and laughs heartily.
Genie. As in I Dream Of. She supposedly had a master, but didn't obey him at all. Bucked the system. Infact, she did as she pleased, when she pleased. And she had magic powers. They seemed pretty much unlimited. Oh yeah, I could do that.
Or, I could just keep being me, along with the weird guy in Jersey who is also me. Wonder if he wants to take over my houshold duties. That'd be sweet. I mean, dude, if you are gonna be me, you gotta take on some of my responsibilities. Own up to something. I'll still snuggle with Hayden, pop zits on Rob's back ( he doesn't get them often, but I do so love them), water my flowers and veggies and cook. You get the rest. OK? So, put down the game system, quit playing online with pre-teen boys and start being me. Bet ya can't do it.
With my identity stolen, I can't help but wonder who I am. Do I get to pick? If I do, then I have a few requests.
Uniqua from the Backyardigan's. She is awesome. And pink. She always gets a snack when she wants one. She is a world traveler. Girlfriend can dance. Plus, the Boinga Song rocks. My lisence could say Uniqua Rae Lazorchak.
Dr. Drew. I could be him. He gets to analze people and tell them what he really thinks of them. ( I sort of do that now). He gets to hang out with has-been rock stars. You can't top that. I have plenty of advice to give out. Wanna know about protecting yourself from idetity theft? Never mind.
Wonder Woman. I have always liked her. That huge gold belt is quite the fashion accessory. And the thigh high gold boots, they are sexy. I had a Wonder Woman sleeping bag and often dreamt of taking on the bad dudes. I could totally do that.
One of those flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. They are just plain scary. I could wear a cute little pillbox hat and swoop down and startle people. I would save money; flying as to be cheaper than filling up my SUV. I wouldd get you my pretty ( and your litle dog, too!)
Paula Dean. Now, I don't want her cholesterol or blood pressure, but I'd love to cook like that woman ( sans the butter) and talk with that fine southern draw. Sister gets right in there with her hands and mixes things up. She says what she wants. She drinks cocktails and laughs heartily.
Genie. As in I Dream Of. She supposedly had a master, but didn't obey him at all. Bucked the system. Infact, she did as she pleased, when she pleased. And she had magic powers. They seemed pretty much unlimited. Oh yeah, I could do that.
Or, I could just keep being me, along with the weird guy in Jersey who is also me. Wonder if he wants to take over my houshold duties. That'd be sweet. I mean, dude, if you are gonna be me, you gotta take on some of my responsibilities. Own up to something. I'll still snuggle with Hayden, pop zits on Rob's back ( he doesn't get them often, but I do so love them), water my flowers and veggies and cook. You get the rest. OK? So, put down the game system, quit playing online with pre-teen boys and start being me. Bet ya can't do it.
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